Illumination Writes

I used to hate my birthday…

I know that might sound weird to some people, but I’ve had a love hate relationship with my birthday for most of my life. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I began to enjoy my birthday—genuinely.

What would make a person do such a thing? You may ask from the other side of the screen. Well, dear reader, it is because for a long time I held to the belief that in general, my life did not mean much, or anything at all really. And yes, I struggled with this way of thinking while being a Christian. Sometimes, I still do (and know I’m not alone in that either).

Those of you who know me personally are aware that my childhood wasn’t exactly perfect. And before you click away thinking I’m going to get into some sob story about how I should be pitied because my life wasn’t perfect…just listen a second. Growing up, I had the impression that I got in my parents’ way. It was my fault that they couldn’t finish, do or afford certain things. So I resolved to make myself the most unneedy child possible for them, just to make things easier.

This pattern of thinking carried over into my adult life where I thought I was an accessory piece to everything I participated in. I refused to be a burden to anyone. I believed my friends were friends with me out of obligation not because they liked me. Because why would they? That takes too much effort.

Flash forward to 2023 and I realized I was wrong. In 2022 I had moved to the Salem area and I was still getting my footing with establishing a community. Translation: new town + few friends = sad Naysh. Anyways, needless to say when my birthday came around I was feeling a bit down, as usual, because again I hated the day. That was until a my friends invited me over to celebrate my birthday with them at their place. It was just us, but when I arrived the place was decorated with balloons and yellow streamers (and I LOVE the color yellow). Anyways, we hung out, ate some great food, watched Ahsoka and played a Star Wars board game and it was the best time. At that point it started clicking to me that these people, who admire to this day, legitimately wanted me around because if they didn’t they wouldn’t have gone to that length to celebrate with me.

By the next year, I had gained a roommate and made more friends at church. Salem was starting to feel like home by the time I turned 24 and I had to plan three separate get togethers to celebrate my birthday with all my different family and friends. And the crazy part was…I wanted to do that. One because I loved all the people God had placed in my life but also, because those people made me feel seen and I wanted to share that milestone with them.

Today, I am twenty-five, and while the self-doubt/self-loathing is something I still actively struggle with…it’s a much quieter voice in my head now. Mainly that’s due to being in a relationship with Jesus, but it’s also because God has used so many people in my life to teach me that my life matters and I have purpose. Also, I just finished writing the first draft of my book, and that’s pretty dang cool if I do say so myself.

Aside from celebrating with my friends last weekend, and hanging out with more friends tomorrow, I’m treating myself to a quiet day without worry (even though I have plenty of reasons to do so right now). While there’s a million other things I could be doing to be productive, I feel permission from the Lord to take today to rest and just enjoy being alive. I took myself to see Superman again and I’m currently sitting in a coffee shop with cold brew and a cupcake in hand writing this for you all.

For those of you who struggle with self-hatred I want to leave you with a few things:

1. Even if it feels like there is no one who values you, God always does and He always sees.
2. Stop trying to convince yourself that no one cares about you…because if you look, really look, there is always someone. Like I said, if they didn’t care, they wouldn’t make an effort.
3. You’ve actually done some pretty cool things. Even if those things are small, they count for something.

I’m looking forward to this next year of life. The past few months it has felt like the Lord has pressed the reset button on my life, and I am looking forward to the opportunities He will place on my path. Being a writer doesn’t feel like a far off dream anymore, it is something I am going to do—whether or not my books are published in the mainstream market. So, happy birthday to me! I hope to see you again on the page soon.